Today’s yesterdays tomorrow

in my time of absence..

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 02:31:56 GMT

Its been so long since i've been on here.....and that makes me sad :(
So much has happened and i wish i would have stayed on here instead of sitting in my room (or in some cases for hours in my car) just thinking and hating myself so much.
Its been 112 weeks since i've posted anything.... here's a small cap of what has happend

-I started dating this guy one of my friends use to date...she "matched us" together... well he had parental problems and is like depressed but no one told me. He hid it very well...anyway i fell in love with him and got pregnant..then he stopped talking to me and started dating this girl named Laura...who then cheated on him and that's when he came back to me saying how much i mean to him (longer story later)

-this led me to be very depressed and i threw myself down the stairs about 13 times and lost my baby girl....i still regret that

- then i moved into a one bedroom apartment with a fashion designer (one of the beautiful skinny girls who says their ugly and looks for attention in others and bitches all the time) and then she let her boyfriend move in....into the one bedroom apartment with her devil cat who spent its days torturing my stuff and attacking me.

- i had it after three months and moved in with the friend who hooked me up with her ex. She was a psycho and i didn't know it. After getting drugged and tattooed while passed out and having her sleep around with my guy friend (all who don't talk to me anymore) i was kinda pissed. Then she pulled a knife on me and well $5,000 later after getting out of the lease i had to move back in with my parents

- a son of one of my dad's coworkers then started stalking me and wanted to "hang out" and while driving he would stop and make me give a blow job before he would go, cars would have to swerve around us....scary shit and it got worse and yeah he then got me fired from my job

-so i got a new job, met a guy (horrible i know) at work and we hung out a lot, he was like my best friend. then one night he stuck his dick in me and called me his girlfriend....a month and a half later and very soar hips he told me "i guess i just stopped liking you, i guess i have to say i'm happy i never took the time to know you or i might feel bad about this" only just the day after i gave him his $90 birthday gift (which he then broke) and now is spreading crap about me at work...oh i forgot to tell you I WORK WITH HIM!! it sucks

-now i'm doing internet dating and talking to this guy hoping to get a long distance relationship therefore if he breaks my heart, at least i don't have to see him everyday...

so here i am, dying a little more each day. Sitting in college with no motivation to live let alone pass a class.
My best friends are off at different schools and i don't feel like trying to form new friendships cause i have a feeling that i will never be able to be anything but "fake happy"
thanks for reading...means a lot :)

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 02:25:35 GMT

i'm sick of having my mom call me fat
or comparing my to celeberites saying "you look like her only she's thinner and has bigger boob's"
then crying to my friends and having sleepovers involving "pigouts"
i can't take it anymore

so things my mom has said to me lately:
"maybe if you lose some weight you could get a boyfriend and have a chance at keeping him"
"look at that pouch!"
"oh look at that your eating, what a surprise"
"we're all going to go on a diet, do you think you could join"
"you should lose 15-20lbs, just to look like your an okay weight"

thats just some of them and my mom is 5'7' and a good 256lbs.!
and this all coming from her makes it so much harder to live and my friends keep making me eat as a way of getting back at her, but i don't want to eat, but i end up doing it
god i hate it, sometimes i just feel that she would be happy if i really came back to my anorexia instead of me trying to be like normal people and healthy
i just can't stop crying
you would think this would keep me going but its breaking me down
but now its to the point where every time i eat i feel like killing myself

fuck it, i'm coming back, i'm here i'm ready and i'm doing it
say hello to my new diet, don't eat

this is on anaqueen also hehehe

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 17:26:20 GMT

as much as i love working out and seeing inches go away i hate how the scale either goes up or stays the same :(
i think i might just go three days without weighing myself? idk i just want it alll to just fall off like right now... just go!.. 1.....2.........3.. BAM its gone :( i wish i had magical powers
that would rock
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
well i'm also doing this new "diet plan" haha were i don't eat anything till noon and i don't eat more than 300 cal.s and then anytime after 3 i can't eat again
i did it yesterday along with exercising and i lost like 2 lbs between 3 and 10 but then i just ate at 10 for no reason... i wasn't even hungry and it turned into a little binge and gahh i still feel horrible about it
but after three no more eating for me cause that will give me 21hours between eating so it like mini 21 hour fasting
hope it works i'll let you all know if it does
much love <3333333
_b

lalallallalallalala haha fun stuff

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 17:58:31 GMT

Food food food makes you fat fat fat
even fatter fatter fatter than Garfield the cat cat cat
it gives you rolls rolls rolls that jiggle jiggle jiggle
and makes all the boys boys boys look at you and giggle giggle giggle
which makes you sad sad sad
so sad your bad bad bad
and eat some cake cake cake
then say what a mistake stake stake
so whats the point point point?

lets all say HELLO FOOD I DON"T NEED YOU!

roses are red
violets are blue
when i think of you
i don't think of food <3333333

i love making these little things up haha :)

one time i did jumping jacks naked in front of a mirror, from that point on i never saw anything but fat

one step closer to my goal weight! this means i get to move my goal weight one step farther!!! <33

okay i could be here for days making these but i'm going to go WORK OUT <3333333 wooooo wooooo

i <3 my workouts hehe the pain is just amaing!

vent

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 01:30:58 GMT

you know what F*#@ food! all it does is make us feel like SH!T what is the point of letting it get the better of us? ughhhh i wish i could just live in a gym with only water and some of those "health" pills there for i wont completely die off but just become nothing.
this lady saw a picture of Angelina on this magazine (i work at a supermarket) and it said *98lbs* in big print and the lady said "why would you want to just kill yourself like that" and so i responded "well if you hate the way you look and you feel like just dieing you starve yourself, see you are getting what you want and your not hurt those you love cause you not putting a bullet in your head your letting them have time loving you, we don't disintegrate into nothing that fast."
she gave me a weird look
do you know what i'm saying though? or am i the only one with that outlook on this whole thing
so if someone says "eat this" say "i have a better idea, i'll continue to live if you get that the F*@# away from me!"
grrrr life's a b!tch

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 21:48:50 GMT

okay this is kind of a sick question but does anyone else have this like somewhat stringy spit after purging?

well i had some rice (mom made me) then i ate a cookie and got mad and purged it, but then i found a box of honey nut cheerios and i'm head over heels in love with that cereal so i had a bowl and i felt like purging but i haven't yet...should i? idk
tomorrow i'm going to fast or eat nothing till dinner and that shall be oooo so small

hope everyone is doing well! <333333

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 01:40:09 GMT

i'm going to start posing on my jounal haha
i have always just gone to Ana queen to post but as you can see not on here
so i will start haha

i'm just going to make this more me and my life out side of my ed
so YAY

i'll update this weekend with some random stuff about me
i would do it now but i want to get some crunches in :)

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 00:54:24 GMT

Feeling comfort from strangers

Who really seem to care

Then seeing familiar faces

Who are never completely there

They say that they love me

And care about what I do

So at night when I cry

Or when I vent online

And they never know

They never have the thought to care

And somehow I like it

Knowing that they can’t fight it

For there’s nothing to fight

They’re in the shadows

Of my daily struggle

To prefect myself

From something they don’t see as a problem

New

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 18:45:28 GMT

Hey I’m new to livejournal so bare with me as I learn how to well do EVERYTHING! Hopefully I will catch on fast.
<3333333333333